September 28, 2016
I am halfway through my chemotherapy treatments. I continue to respond well with very few adverse side effects. I am praising God and want to thank all of you who take time to pray for me. Your prayers for me make a difference in my treatment and makes me feel wrapped up in love. Thank you.
Kerstin, our youngest daughter, graciously accepted my
request to guest author a post for me.
She is a junior at Bethel College, studying American Sign Language
Interpreting. She is kind of a “Daddy’s
girl”. I pointed it out to her a few
years ago and she said, “Yeah, but I always need my mom.” That was good enough for me! – besides, I’m
kind of sweet on her Daddy too!
Kerstin 3 months old
Kerstin 3 months old
Cancer. What a scary word. Where is God
is such a word? How can one simple, 5-letter word crush so many hearts and
families? It does not matter how severe or treatable the cancer is, I believe
hearing “cancer” spoken concerning a loved one stops everyone in their tracks. My
reaction upon hearing my mommy has cancer was complete shock that lasted a solid month. Dianne has
asked if I would like to make a guest appearance on her blog to share whatever
I want pertaining to her cancer, which I am honored and excited to do! We’ll
see how this post evolves, but I would like to set out with the intention of
sharing how I have been feeling and processing everything since I heard that terrible
little word “cancer” used in the same sentence as “Mom.” Also, from here on out
I will be referring to Dianne as either Mom, Mommy, or Momma.
The two months leading up to school I
was at home and we knew something was wrong with Mom, we just did not yet know
what. I knew she was having tests done and I would ask every couple days, “Do
we know what’s wrong with Mom yet?” always to receive the response, “Not yet.”
I was not particularly worried; I mean, God let her live through an awful bout
of pneumonia just a couple months earlier! It was hard seeing Mom struggle to
regain her strength and energy after getting out of the hospital, but my mind
never went to cancer. During that time we were both experiencing symptoms of
anemia and I figured that’s all it was except I knew Mom was having all sorts
of other tests done.
Late August, I packed up all my things
in Dad’s car to begin round three at Bethel College. The day before classes
started, Mom, Dad, and Grandma Hall came to pick up Dad’s car and take me and
my roommates out to dinner. It was a nice evening, I kept thinking to ask Mom
if she knew what was wrong with her health yet, but I always ask and did not
want to bother them with my redundant question that didn’t have an answer. I
figured they would tell me once they knew. It seems I was wrong. I gave out
hugs and said goodbye in the lobby of my dorm, but as they walked out I decided
to follow so I could give a proper send off by waving as they drove away. Turns
out that nudge to follow them out was the Holy Spirit who continued to nudge me
into asking about the current test Mom was taking and if they had finally been
told what is wrong with her or not. Those stinkers came to pick up Dad’s car
but also to tell me Mom’s diagnosis only to chicken out!
I knew it was something big when Mom
said we should wait for Dad to walk back to us so he could help explain. During
the conversation they threw out her diagnosis, Multiple Myeloma, which meant
nothing to me. It was not until Dad explained that multiple myeloma is a blood cancer
that it hit me. Cancer? Mommy has cancer? I held back the flood until I
asked about life expectancy rates with multiple myeloma and then a few tears
escaped, which of course caused tears to escape from everyone else’s eyes as
well. Mom was so cool and calm, she truly seems to only be sad due to the
realization that cancer is hard for her loved ones to hear. It is a comfort to
know and actually see Mom resting on God as her Rock and being content in what
He has for her. I waved goodbye as they drove away and made it all the way
upstairs and about a half a step into my room before the floodgates unleashed.
I am a crier. I cry everyday. Literally.
Last year, my roommate asked, “Kerstin, I don’t want to sound insensitive, but
do you cry everyday?” and my response was, “Yes, I do. I’m surprised it has taken
you this long to notice.” I take no shame in being a crier, I honestly feel
that I cannot help it, and if I do not cry when I need to then I am not someone
you want to be around until I take the time to do so. It can be a happy cry or
a sad cry, a few tears or full-on bawling my eyes out, but I do cry everyday.
The exception was a full month period starting the day after I was told Mom has
cancer. It was a weird time for me. I did not cry and I could not cry. I felt
numb.
There were a lot of things going on
that contributed to the shock; I had officially broken my engagement the week
before, a new school year was beginning with a new roommate, and then to find
out Mom has cancer? Well, it broke me. Thankfully I was only broken, or rather
in shock, for a month. My mind could not process it all, but my body still
tried. Every morning I’d wake up and be physically sick. When I would pause
from schoolwork to ponder any of the emotional turmoil, I would instantly be
sick again. It was frustrating. I basically stopped all emotions and continued
to be sick every morning. At the beginning of October, I knew my problem was
that I had stopped talking to God about our relationship and would only talk to
Him on behalf of others. Realizing I was withholding myself from God helped me
to see that I stopped trusting Him.
I became a follower of Christ when I
was thirteen years old and have not particularly doubted my faith since then. I
was not ready to chuck it all out now, but I was definitely struggling and
doubting God’s faithfulness. I did not want to continue on my path of numbness
to life, so I reached out to someone I know loves God, loves me, and seeks
truth, but is also outside my life enough for me to listen to his advice. I
prepared myself for a week to talk to my uncle by being open with God about my
feelings of distrust in Him. My uncle and I were only able to FaceTime 45
minutes, most of which was opening the conversation to get to the deep stuff,
but the little time my uncle was able to speak truth really stuck with me. The
reason our conversation was so short was because it was my fall break and only
chance to go to chemo with Mommy!
I am really
glad I was able to go with Mom to her infusion. It made the whole experience
more personal and real to me. I was especially glad to meet her cancer friend;
the three of us enjoyed talking the entire time. Over the next 24 hours I was
still struggling to let the truth my uncle laid on my heart settle in, but it
dug its way through despite my resistance. God pulled me close to Him when I
was so focused on schoolwork that I didn’t see it coming. My assigned reading
started talking about different cultures and my natural response was to ask God
to give me a heart to love people as He does. Then I paused to stop my prayer
because I didn’t want to turn to God, I wanted to stay stubborn. I consciously decided
to try and finish my prayer rather than pull back and when I did I was not able
to stop pouring out my heart to God. It was like letting the floodgates open
and yes, I cried. I cried and laughed and beyond all I praised my loving Father
who never left me and is always by my side even when I don't feel Him when I push Him
away.
To answer
my own question, where is God in the word cancer, I’d say He is quite obviously
in His peoples’ lives. I see His peace in Mom, His love in Daddy towards Mommy,
and His unity in His people and our family all coming together leaning on Him
and each other. God uses life circumstances to draw us closer to Him, but
ultimately it is our decision through each experience whether we choose God or
our own stubborn wills. I thank God for drawing me all the closer to Him
because He knows I love Mom and I need to know He is in control and will heal her
whether she be healed here or in Heaven. I personally am envisioning her healed
here first! In case
you are wondering how I am fairing emotionally, I have cried twice as I have
been writing this post if that tells you anything (I can feel again, it’s a
good thing)! May God bless you all, thank you so much for reading this and
thank you most of all for praying for us.
I love you, Momma!
Your baby,
Kerstin Dianne
God was speaking through Moses to the Israelites, but I still like the reminder for myself, “…the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.” ~Deuteronomy 31:6 (NKJV)
God was speaking through Moses to the Israelites, but I still like the reminder for myself, “…the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.” ~Deuteronomy 31:6 (NKJV)
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| Kerstin 3 years old. Love her in red! |
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| Kerstin 2 years old. She was born with long hair. |
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| We made selfies before it was a thing. I never perfected my skill - Kerstin is the pro now ; ) We are dressed alike, it was fun when she was 5. |
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| Kerstin 21 years old - where does the time go?? We don't dress alike any more because she wears all my clothes! This pose is typical, she is a cuddler. |
