Chemo 7 & 8 Guest Author

September 28, 2016

I am halfway through my chemotherapy treatments.  I continue to respond well with very few adverse side effects.  I am praising God and want to thank all of you who take time to pray for me.  Your prayers for me make a difference in my treatment and makes me feel wrapped up in love.  Thank you.

Kerstin, our youngest daughter, graciously accepted my request to guest author a post for me.  She is a junior at Bethel College, studying American Sign Language Interpreting.  She is kind of a “Daddy’s girl”.  I pointed it out to her a few years ago and she said, “Yeah, but I always need my mom.”  That was good enough for me! – besides, I’m kind of sweet on her Daddy too!

Kerstin 3 months old

Cancer. What a scary word. Where is God is such a word? How can one simple, 5-letter word crush so many hearts and families? It does not matter how severe or treatable the cancer is, I believe hearing “cancer” spoken concerning a loved one stops everyone in their tracks. My reaction upon hearing my mommy has cancer was complete  shock that lasted a solid month. Dianne has asked if I would like to make a guest appearance on her blog to share whatever I want pertaining to her cancer, which I am honored and excited to do! We’ll see how this post evolves, but I would like to set out with the intention of sharing how I have been feeling and processing everything since I heard that terrible little word “cancer” used in the same sentence as “Mom.” Also, from here on out I will be referring to Dianne as either Mom, Mommy, or Momma.

The two months leading up to school I was at home and we knew something was wrong with Mom, we just did not yet know what. I knew she was having tests done and I would ask every couple days, “Do we know what’s wrong with Mom yet?” always to receive the response, “Not yet.” I was not particularly worried; I mean, God let her live through an awful bout of pneumonia just a couple months earlier! It was hard seeing Mom struggle to regain her strength and energy after getting out of the hospital, but my mind never went to cancer. During that time we were both experiencing symptoms of anemia and I figured that’s all it was except I knew Mom was having all sorts of other tests done.

Late August, I packed up all my things in Dad’s car to begin round three at Bethel College. The day before classes started, Mom, Dad, and Grandma Hall came to pick up Dad’s car and take me and my roommates out to dinner. It was a nice evening, I kept thinking to ask Mom if she knew what was wrong with her health yet, but I always ask and did not want to bother them with my redundant question that didn’t have an answer. I figured they would tell me once they knew. It seems I was wrong. I gave out hugs and said goodbye in the lobby of my dorm, but as they walked out I decided to follow so I could give a proper send off by waving as they drove away. Turns out that nudge to follow them out was the Holy Spirit who continued to nudge me into asking about the current test Mom was taking and if they had finally been told what is wrong with her or not. Those stinkers came to pick up Dad’s car but also to tell me Mom’s diagnosis only to chicken out!

I knew it was something big when Mom said we should wait for Dad to walk back to us so he could help explain. During the conversation they threw out her diagnosis, Multiple Myeloma, which meant nothing to me. It was not until Dad explained that multiple myeloma is a blood cancer that it hit me. Cancer? Mommy has cancer? I held back the flood until I asked about life expectancy rates with multiple myeloma and then a few tears escaped, which of course caused tears to escape from everyone else’s eyes as well. Mom was so cool and calm, she truly seems to only be sad due to the realization that cancer is hard for her loved ones to hear. It is a comfort to know and actually see Mom resting on God as her Rock and being content in what He has for her. I waved goodbye as they drove away and made it all the way upstairs and about a half a step into my room before the floodgates unleashed.

I am a crier. I cry everyday. Literally. Last year, my roommate asked, “Kerstin, I don’t want to sound insensitive, but do you cry everyday?” and my response was, “Yes, I do. I’m surprised it has taken you this long to notice.” I take no shame in being a crier, I honestly feel that I cannot help it, and if I do not cry when I need to then I am not someone you want to be around until I take the time to do so. It can be a happy cry or a sad cry, a few tears or full-on bawling my eyes out, but I do cry everyday. The exception was a full month period starting the day after I was told Mom has cancer. It was a weird time for me. I did not cry and I could not cry. I felt numb.

There were a lot of things going on that contributed to the shock; I had officially broken my engagement the week before, a new school year was beginning with a new roommate, and then to find out Mom has cancer? Well, it broke me. Thankfully I was only broken, or rather in shock, for a month. My mind could not process it all, but my body still tried. Every morning I’d wake up and be physically sick. When I would pause from schoolwork to ponder any of the emotional turmoil, I would instantly be sick again. It was frustrating. I basically stopped all emotions and continued to be sick every morning. At the beginning of October, I knew my problem was that I had stopped talking to God about our relationship and would only talk to Him on behalf of others. Realizing I was withholding myself from God helped me to see that I stopped trusting Him.

I became a follower of Christ when I was thirteen years old and have not particularly doubted my faith since then. I was not ready to chuck it all out now, but I was definitely struggling and doubting God’s faithfulness. I did not want to continue on my path of numbness to life, so I reached out to someone I know loves God, loves me, and seeks truth, but is also outside my life enough for me to listen to his advice. I prepared myself for a week to talk to my uncle by being open with God about my feelings of distrust in Him. My uncle and I were only able to FaceTime 45 minutes, most of which was opening the conversation to get to the deep stuff, but the little time my uncle was able to speak truth really stuck with me. The reason our conversation was so short was because it was my fall break and only chance to go to chemo with Mommy!

            I am really glad I was able to go with Mom to her infusion. It made the whole experience more personal and real to me. I was especially glad to meet her cancer friend; the three of us enjoyed talking the entire time. Over the next 24 hours I was still struggling to let the truth my uncle laid on my heart settle in, but it dug its way through despite my resistance. God pulled me close to Him when I was so focused on schoolwork that I didn’t see it coming. My assigned reading started talking about different cultures and my natural response was to ask God to give me a heart to love people as He does. Then I paused to stop my prayer because I didn’t want to turn to God, I wanted to stay stubborn. I consciously decided to try and finish my prayer rather than pull back and when I did I was not able to stop pouring out my heart to God. It was like letting the floodgates open and yes, I cried. I cried and laughed and beyond all I praised my loving Father who never left me and is always by my side even when I don't feel Him when I push Him away.

            To answer my own question, where is God in the word cancer, I’d say He is quite obviously in His peoples’ lives. I see His peace in Mom, His love in Daddy towards Mommy, and His unity in His people and our family all coming together leaning on Him and each other. God uses life circumstances to draw us closer to Him, but ultimately it is our decision through each experience whether we choose God or our own stubborn wills. I thank God for drawing me all the closer to Him because He knows I love Mom and I need to know He is in control and will heal her whether she be healed here or in Heaven. I personally am envisioning her healed here first! In case you are wondering how I am fairing emotionally, I have cried twice as I have been writing this post if that tells you anything (I can feel again, it’s a good thing)! May God bless you all, thank you so much for reading this and thank you most of all for praying for us.

I love you, Momma!

Your baby,

Kerstin Dianne

God was speaking through Moses to the Israelites, but I still like the reminder for myself, “…the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.” ~Deuteronomy 31:6 (NKJV)

Kerstin 3 years old.  Love her in red!

Kerstin 2 years old. She was born with long hair.

We made selfies before it was a thing.  I never perfected my skill - Kerstin is the pro now ; )
 We are dressed alike, it was fun when she was 5.

Stephanie and I drove to Bethel to spy on Kerstin performing her first Chapel assignment last Friday.  She did a wonderful job and she was so graceful and beautiful.  I am so proud of her.

Kerstin 21 years old - where does the time go??  We don't dress alike any more because she wears all my clothes!
This pose is typical, she is a cuddler.